Feb 22, 2011

Megachurch

"Youth Pastor Phil" @ The Apostolic Faith World Headquarters

"Youth Pastor Phil" is a false prophet and an asshole.  Should you hear him blaspheme the glory of Jesus, bless thine ears and renounce his profane chatter!  Instead of exalting God's #1 Son and His Top 10 miracles, Phil whittles away his depraved life remixing R. Kelly songs for pleasure, harassing Liam Gallagher on Twitter, and hanging out with jerks like me.  To wit: one sunny January afternoon we embarked on an epic quest to find "The Megachurch", a mysterious compound that I had spotted somewhere on the outskirts of SE Portland.  Our mission was to find it, infiltrate it, and take a Tarot picture beneath the giant Jesus sign.  Phil dressed in white for the occasion, as not to arouse suspicion amongst the flock.
      
"The Megachurch" turned out to be The Apostolic Church World Headquarters on SE 54th and Duke.  Although the immaculately manicured topiary out front spells "Welcome" in chubby, nonthreatening letters, the front gates were locked and there were checkpoints guarding the entrances.  We considered  jumping the compound's rigid cast iron fence, but thought better of it as Phil irreverently pointed out:  "I don't think that fence is for keeping people out, I think it's for keeping people in".  We looked for an entrance around the back, but all we found was the Apostolic Campground, a massive cluster of shacks nestled in the shadows of the pines.  The Jonestown similarity was palpable enough to make us reconsider our harebrained scheme, so we pulled the tarot cards out front where God wouldn't see us.  Of course the first card Phil drew was The Devil, proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that he is a slave to Beelzebub, his dark prince.  At first, I had a good laugh over this poetic justice, but I got my comeuppance later that night when I contracted food poisoning from a quinoa dish at Blossoming Lotus and vomited uncontrollably for the next two days.  The moral to this story is:  Don't mess with megachurches-- they have eerie powers-- and wash your quinoa thoroughly because it apparently has a thin layer of saponin that, while usually benign, can make you really sick.


  

2 comments:

  1. That is awesome. You should have called me for the adventure. Im fluent in bullshit christianese. On the other hand maybe its a good thing you didnt. We could all three be holding hands, and singing terrible gospel songs inside the Jonestown of Portland Oregon.

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